Braver, Better, Stronger

k.
He had lesions that covered every open space of skin. I didn’t flinch, not even blink as I helped undress him. He had an accident in bed and needed to be showered immediately. His feet were swollen from edema and caused him an extreme amount of pain whenever any pressure was applied. He had to be moved slowly, cautiously. T was in charge and I was following his lead, together we got him in a sitting position and then swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Then we proceeded to slowly lift him into a standing position so he could be placed in the chair and wheeled to the shower. We were fast and efficient, T got him cleaned up in the shower while another volunteer and I stripped and sanitized the bed, mopped the floor, and remade the bed with fresh linen. By the time T returned from the shower with him, his room was almost ready. Again, I assisted T with lifting him into a standing position from the chair so he could be placed in his bed. We padded his bed in case of future accidents, and T applied a condom catheter to his penis to help flush out the water and help reduce the swelling in his feet and scrotum. I held his hand and talked to him about nothing, trying to use the sound of my voice to distract him from his discomfort, and anxiety. It was his first day at the hospice and he seemed young to me. I hadn’t had a chance to read his chart, but he seemed younger than most of the other patients and he seemed scared.

I thought we did well that day, the three of us, under T's lead, managed to get a pretty dicey situation under control, calmly and efficiently. T is good that way, he makes everything seem easy, no sweat. He never loses his cool, which transfers to us. If you can’t handle it, he doesn’t care if you leave, but if you choose to stay and help, you better not get in the way and you better be making the situation better. Some people lose their cool and that just makes it harder for the patient. If you’re not calm, why the hell would they be calm?

I drove home pleased with what I had accomplished, not just with the one, but with all the patients.

The next morning I woke up with a twinge in between my shoulder blades. A soreness that seemed familiar. I ignored it and went about my day…….
Breakfast at Le Peep with my husband and daughter (weekend ritual), shopping for winter clothes for my daughter, and a gift for my friend Jen’s baby shower that I was attending that night. The twinge grew worse as the day proceeded and my memory grew better. I had felt this before, not as bad, but it had happened before. I took a bunch of Advil and got ready for the baby shower.

At the shower, I could barely move my right arm, and I couldn’t lift anything without a sharp pain echoing through my back, starting under my left shoulder blade. Driving home, it hurt to breath and now it was just a continual spasm in the space between my shoulder blades. When I finally made it home, I laid down on the living room floor. I wanted to cry, but even that hurt too much.

I spent the whole next day in bed, medicated, drifting in and out, remembering what I did wrong. The first time I hurt my back like this was when I helped get another patient out of bed and into her chair, she had herpes and was a scratcher. She was also almost blind and liked to touch because she couldn’t see you. She was the first patient I ever helped out of bed and I was scared, I didn’t use my body to move her like they taught us. Instead of leaning in, I leaned out and only used my upper body, by arms and my shoulders to help move her. I didn’t know any better back then, but I should have known better by now. I have helped move countless patients since then.

Not as an excuse, but only as an explanation. I had never seen lessions so bad on anyone before. When moving him, I leaned out, instead of leaning in, I leaned out………..AGAIN!

So much for being Braver, Better, Stronger.