So, things at the hospice?
Pretty much the same. The residents have remained, they decline, bounce back, decline further, rally for a day or two, and then decline again. It’s a constant merry go round, baited breath, what’s gonna happen next. But they’re all hanging on, clinging to every minute, every second, some better then others.
It’s been a long couple of months and I’m a little worn out. I think, maybe, a lot worn out. It’s hard to comprehend, this slow, long, death.
I keep waiting for the inevitable, and it’s the waiting rather than the inevitable that is invading and bleeding into other aspects of my life. I worry when I leave, that this may be the last goodbye, and part of me wants it to be.
How much suffering before it is enough? How much can a person endure when the ending is already written? I used to believe in miracles, and you know what?
I still do!
So fight, rally, cling. Sunrise and sunset awaits to console you when all else is hidden and lost in the clouds of confusion. Unfinished.
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"talk less write more"
"Many ingenious lovely things are gone that seemed sheer miracle to the multitude, protected from the circle of the moon that pitches common things about." -Yeats
Self Portrait
"talk less write more"
About Me
- claudine
- Born in Haiti, raised in Los Angeles, now living in the south. Wife, mother, and writer. Attempting my first novel called The Black Converse Diary; about a girl…… Also committed to the ongoing, almost forgotten, struggle against AIDS through various organizations. Mainly, volunteering at an AIDS hospice. Trying to find my own voice among the clutter. A strong, true voice that means something.
BLOG ARCHIVE
LIST IT
- "At the end of my suffering there was a door" (27)
- All Things Me (16)
- Hospice (7)
- To The Sea (1)
- Today (1)
- Waiting (1)
- World AIDS Day (3)
The Wild Iris
At the end of my suffering
there was a door.
Hear me out: that which you call death
I remember.
Overhead, noises, branches of the pine shifting.
Then nothing. The weak sun
flickered over the dry surface.
It is terrible to survive
as consciousness
buried in the dark earth.
Then it was over: that which you fear, being
a soul and unable
to speak, ending abruptly, the stiff earth
bending a little. And what I took to be
birds darting in low shrubs.
You who do not remember
passage from the other world
I tell you I could speak again: whatever
returns from oblivion returns
to find a voice:
from the center of my life came
a great fountain, deep blue
shadows on azure seawater.
Louise Gluck
there was a door.
Hear me out: that which you call death
I remember.
Overhead, noises, branches of the pine shifting.
Then nothing. The weak sun
flickered over the dry surface.
It is terrible to survive
as consciousness
buried in the dark earth.
Then it was over: that which you fear, being
a soul and unable
to speak, ending abruptly, the stiff earth
bending a little. And what I took to be
birds darting in low shrubs.
You who do not remember
passage from the other world
I tell you I could speak again: whatever
returns from oblivion returns
to find a voice:
from the center of my life came
a great fountain, deep blue
shadows on azure seawater.
Louise Gluck
THINGS I'M CRUSHING ON
- St. Aloysius
- Patches
- Apartment Story
- Cheekbones
- Padre Pio
- Louise Gluck
- Bloc Party
- Naked eyes with coat after coat after coat of black mascara
- The Bell Jar
4 comments:
the first thing that came to mind was living in the present...
and taking each moment for what its worth
so when your at the hospice be there
and when your in your private life be there...
so that the two don't take from each other
I know you know this, and its easier said then done... if it were that easy we would all be Buddha ;)
I'm just sayin is all.
Muah!
Hi Claudine,
The time melts one day into another for many. My days melt into other waiting on the blood counts and worrying about every sniffle or itch. HIV has meant that I isolate myself in life. But I don't want to in death. So I'm learning to take it one minute at a time. Thank you for being there.
Oshun Kunle, good rule of thumb, not so easy to follow. This week I feel like it's been such a struggle, I want the important people in my life to understand without explanation. BUT, I was told by a wise man that no one outside the hospice can really understand what I do, what I go through and the sacrifices I make. He was right, most of the time he is.....
+L, It's always great to hear from you! Don't isolate yourself, the battle that you are fighting requires many soldiers. You need mental and emotional rejuvenation that will only be found by contact and communication with people that you feel safe with. Find that outlet. It maybe difficult at first, opening yourself up to possible hurt and let down. But the people who stand with you now, will most likely be the ones who will stand with you when it counts the most. And, as you thank me for being there, I also thank you for the same. Thanks for reading, thanks for taking the time to comment. I'll keep you in my thoughts and wishes.
Take care,
C
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