Which Way is West?

So.
How did it get to this point?

When did my closest friends become distant acquaintances with nondescript conversations, highlighted by pregnant gaps in conversations that used to flow so effortlessly? When did I lose them? And why am I just realizing that almost every relationship in my life is stretched past breaking point.

All relationships from the hospice, that is, everyone inside: residents, staff, volunteers, get it. No words necessary, but outside, that's a different story.

At first, I talked to them, I told them my experiences, I tried….but at some point, you realize, no one really wants to hear. They can’t truly understand and so you just stop. You say very little, and when asked, you just shrug your shoulders and talk around it.

BUT, you live it. It’s your life. It becomes so much more than you ever thought it would, living in a parallel world where sickness, death, and sorrow rule. But, also, redemption and generosity and true goodness illuminate the dark corners. You get to see the worst, but sometimes you catch a glimpse of what angels must look like before they get their wings.

AND, you have no one on the outside to share that with. No one to call when the resident that you just wrote about….You know the one? From a couple of weeks ago, who made you pause at how destroyed his body was. When you weren’t quite sure if you could handle it, but sucked it up, did what you needed to do, and found yourself sitting with him, at the end, holding his hand as he cried.

He’s dead, and no one from the outside even knew his existence.

I don’t know how to be with my friends who knew me before, I’m never quite sure what to say, My life is so different, my experiences are damn near impossible to understand, so I just stop calling. I stop talking; I disappear for weeks because I don’t know how to navigate my world with theirs.

They say I’m distant, I kind of think they leave me no choice.